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Cringeworthy A Theory of Awkwardness Melissa Dahl 9780735211636 Books

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Cringeworthy A Theory of Awkwardness Melissa Dahl 9780735211636 Books

I'm a psychiatrist, in a sub-specialty that deals with much of the same terrain that Melissa Dahl covers in "Cringeworthy." And let me say first what a pleasure it is to encounter a popular book on psychology written with such care and precision. Technically, as Dahl notes, the ability to be take this kind of care is called "conscientiousness," and she possesses it in abundance. She's careful, for example, to distinguish between empathy and compassion -- something not many psychology writers would think to do. I note with pleasure that the Index contains not a single reference to "mirror neurons" -- something most psychology writers would riff on endlessly in a book of this kind. But Dahl avoids such facile neuro-babble. She keeps the neuroscience to a bare minimum, and instead focuses on what's near to experience. The book is a model of good science-writing in this regard.

The germ of the idea for this book, Dahl tells us, comes from her own acute sensitivity to shame, embarrassment, or as she would say "awkwardness." There's a kind of connection, we learn, between general conscientiousness -- the kind that makes you actually care whether you're using the word "empathy" accurately -- and a sensitivity to feeling acutely uncomfortable in social situations where you might not be exactly up on the rules.

This is a serious book about a rather serious emotion. But the writing sparkles, and there's a generous amount of levity to make the science go down more easily. As an extra benefit, the book is therapeutic. Dahl explores the nature of awkwardness, and in the process she finds new ways to feel less acutely worried about it. I won't spoil the ending for you, but it's inspiring to see her "lean in" to awkward feelings and discover new, science-based practical ways to make awkward situations feel less catastrophic. I'd recommend this book to anyone haunted by current or past episodes of acute embarrassment and shame, or anyone with a tendency to social anxiety. The answers Dahl comes up with are consistent with the best of modern psychology, they're evidence-based, and best of all they really work!


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Cringeworthy A Theory of Awkwardness Melissa Dahl 9780735211636 Books Reviews

This book is SO SO GOOD. The voice! The hilarious anecdotes!! The groundbreaking research!

I tried some of the tactics Dahl suggests for handling the awkward moments in all our lives, and they were, in fact, super helpful. (Spoiler alert Try singing "I'm So Excited" when you feel anxious! And focus on mundane details when you relive every cringe-inducing social humiliation you've ever experienced. It actually works.) A great read and a fabulous self-help tool!
This is actually a book which could change your life. I liked this so much I have already purchased three copies and plan to buy more for gifts.

This is so much more than a light-hearted look at how to get through life’s daily awkward situations. This is not a book about “awkward people.” This is actually a book about the awkward moments that every one of us has, what causes those awkward moments, and how to EMBRACE THEM, even SEEK THEM OUT; because dealing with awkward, embarrassing situations is part of what causes us to grow as human beings.

Dahl is a psychology writer who has spent years studying the research and writing on awkwardness, because of her own strong feelings of inadequacy. Some of her best insights are from other writers, as she weaves together their narrow research results into a larger picture. One of her most simple but profound insights is that we don’t understand ourselves very well and that the person we think we are is NOT the person that our friends think we are. Yes, we know things about ourselves that no one else knows – but our friends and acquaintances also see things in us that we don’t see in ourselves.

This begins with the most simple of observations – most of the time we can’t even see what we *look* like. Our image in a reflection is flipped left to right; so when we see a photograph of ourselves, we don’t think it looks like us. Our friends literally see us differently. Dahl spends a lot of space writing about what psychologist Philippe Rochat calls “the irreconcilable gap” -- the difference between how we see ourselves and how others see us.

Dahl extends that observation to note that we pay way more attention to ourselves than anyone else does. Most people are too busy worrying about themselves to notice how you are messing up, unless you directly intrude into their space. Research shows that most people don’t do very well in reading other people’s facial expressions even when they ARE paying attention. Your innermost thoughts remain “inner.”

In her own searches for how to deal with the uncomfortableness of awkward situations, three really stand out. She participated in some workshops where people are brought together to talk about race and awkwardness is part of the agenda. She signed up for a series of classes on improvisational comedy. She was terrified in the first class, but by the fourth one, she found she was already using what she had learned in conversations away from class.

And finally, she signed up for *Mortified*, a New York stage show where people audition to read the most embarrassing entries from their teenage diaries. (Apparently some of the videos are on YouTube.) She learned what a lot of people learn, that perhaps the best way to look back at the dumb things we all do in our teen years is to share them with an audience. (It doesn’t have to be on stage; it could be with a small group of friends.) We learn that everyone else did dumb things, too, maybe even the SAME dumb things you did. It gives you perspective.

I could go on for pages quoting the insights here, always told in an entertaining style. I really believe that this book could help many people relax about awkward moments and give them the tools to use those moments to learn about themselves, to widen friendships, and to make their workplace more comfortable. I am buying copies for friends and family; but also because I think I need to re-read this every couple of years.
I would most certainly recommend this gem of a book. In addition to being charming, funny and impeccably researched, Melissa Dahl’s debut novel really helped me realize that I’m not alone in my quirks and craziness. I can’t tell you how great it made me feel to know that I’m not alone in absolutely hating the picture of myself that shows during a video call...or in cringing at way my voice sounds when I hear it played back. The author beautifully blends scientific research, personal experience and comedic wit to make for a super entertaining read.
I'm a psychiatrist, in a sub-specialty that deals with much of the same terrain that Melissa Dahl covers in "Cringeworthy." And let me say first what a pleasure it is to encounter a popular book on psychology written with such care and precision. Technically, as Dahl notes, the ability to be take this kind of care is called "conscientiousness," and she possesses it in abundance. She's careful, for example, to distinguish between empathy and compassion -- something not many psychology writers would think to do. I note with pleasure that the Index contains not a single reference to "mirror neurons" -- something most psychology writers would riff on endlessly in a book of this kind. But Dahl avoids such facile neuro-babble. She keeps the neuroscience to a bare minimum, and instead focuses on what's near to experience. The book is a model of good science-writing in this regard.

The germ of the idea for this book, Dahl tells us, comes from her own acute sensitivity to shame, embarrassment, or as she would say "awkwardness." There's a kind of connection, we learn, between general conscientiousness -- the kind that makes you actually care whether you're using the word "empathy" accurately -- and a sensitivity to feeling acutely uncomfortable in social situations where you might not be exactly up on the rules.

This is a serious book about a rather serious emotion. But the writing sparkles, and there's a generous amount of levity to make the science go down more easily. As an extra benefit, the book is therapeutic. Dahl explores the nature of awkwardness, and in the process she finds new ways to feel less acutely worried about it. I won't spoil the ending for you, but it's inspiring to see her "lean in" to awkward feelings and discover new, science-based practical ways to make awkward situations feel less catastrophic. I'd recommend this book to anyone haunted by current or past episodes of acute embarrassment and shame, or anyone with a tendency to social anxiety. The answers Dahl comes up with are consistent with the best of modern psychology, they're evidence-based, and best of all they really work!